A PRECAUTIONARY TALE OF OLYMPIC PROPORTIONS

by Jason Bolster

A poor, mentally ill man named Lazarus rented a cold, dark, musty hostel room from Sandy. Sandy said there was nothing he could do about the fact that the wind and the rain came in. Lazarus could only afford to eat every three days; Lazarus paid for his hovel mainly through menial, dehumanising jobs in Sandy's sport shoe factory.

One day Sandy, wearing an Italian suit, drove to Lazarus' hostel in his taxpayer-funded limo and told Lazarus, "Sorry. I'm not rich any more. I have to sell the hostel." And he threw Lazarus out. Then, while Lazarus sat and watched, Sandy renovated the hostel and it became a luxurious hotel.

So, Lazarus thought, "What shall I do now?" Then an idea came to him...

He sat outside Sandy's home, making his presence known subtly but unmistakably. He maintained a vigil of Power, Protest, Presence, Peace and Prayer for as long as necessary, to shame Sandy into action and score a moral victory.

A freeloading former fascist named Juan came to the hotel, followed by the mass media. They started boasting that people from all over the world (well, the important bits of the world, anyway) (for "important" read "richest") would "descend upon [sic]" Sydney in a spirit of international friendship and peace for a fortnight (just like in Munich). A prostitute named Mary joined Lazarus.

More IOC delegates and capitalists joined Sandy. More homeless people and lunatics and communists and anarchists joined Lazarus, and they started chanting Luke 6:24-25: "Woe to you who are rich, for you have received your consolation; woe to you who are full now, for your will be hungry; woe to you who rejoice now, for you shall weep and wail".

Sandy sicked his dogs onto Lazarus, because he was scared to death. The dogs, however, saw no threat, and gave Lazarus a friendly lick.

As the corporate sponsors were about to leave, after the rich international tourists had devoured every bit of food in sight, as an afterthought, Sandy offered them a gospel tract.

"We love what you're doing, Lazarus!' the rapidly growing crowd outside said. "It's non-competitive, it's peaceful, it's subversive, it's moral, it's all-inclusive ... where'd you get the inspiration?'

Lazarus replied, "Luke 16:19-31."
The crowd was dumbfounded! Lazarus went on to explain how Jesus inspired so many radicals throughout history, and how his strategies have been used successfully by people like William Wilberforce, the Mahatma Ghandi, Cory Aquino, Albert Schweitzer and, of course, the great Dave Andrews. So, while the international tourists scrunched up their gospel tracts and tossed them in the gutter, the massive crowd outside knelt and accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour.

(Now Sandy, as I said, was scared to death. So am I. Most of these great radicals and social reformers were protesting against gross political corruption and oppression. What Jesus advocated, what Lazarus did, was much the same as what, for instance, Cory Aquino did in the Philippines to depose the Marcos regime. However, all the rich man in the parable did was have more than enough to eat while someone else didn't have enough. That scares me, because I eat plenty. If that's scary, the next section of the story is absolutely petrifying.)

That evening, Sandy died of a blocked artery and Lazarus died of frostbite. Lazarus joined multitudes of every race, nation, tribe and language forever in Heaven, and Sandy ... didn't.

"But, Lord, I didn't feel led!" Sandy protested.

And the Lord God did answer unto him, saying, "Well, who the hell were you following, then?"

"Have mercy on me!" Lazarus cried out in agony.

God thought for a moment, then said, "I can change your new home as much as you were able to change Lazarus' home - you remember, when he was your tenant, and you could do nothing about his room."

Sandy did remember. "Oh Lord, just get Lazarus to give me a drop of water! Please!"

"Show some respect!" God snapped. On earth he was last of all and servant of all on earth. That means, in My kingdom, he's the boss!"

Sandy, however, couldn't get used to the fact that the poor ruled in God's new order, that the homeless live in mansions, that the dispossessed own a glorious Kingdom, that owning nothing was untold riches, that forsaking all meant enjoying everything. "Lord ...," he begged.

God looked at Lazarus and said, "Which one of us is he talking to?'

Sandy ignored God (as he had done all his life). "Send Lazarus to my friends, Juan and the IOC and the boardrooms as a messenger."

"I told you," God said, "he's not your servant any more!"

"But," Sandy continued, "Lazarus could tell them about Heaven, and Hell, and the Kingdom of God, and then they wouldn't come here, but they could repent and join you instead!"

God shook His head and said, "Let them read the Bible - not your comfortable, easy three-minute summary with all that 'believe and receive' codswallop; the full Bible. It plainly tells them everything they need to know. If they won't spend themselves on behalf of the poor, they obviously couldn't care less about anyone who rose from the grave."

©2001-2009 RealChange  ABN 9775 1429
Thanks to Nareg Ltd and Matt Morrison